Humour Cos' I'm Bored

Me : hey babe, you busy flying a plane to hunt for this JI feller?

(note : he is in the airforce)

Him (without a trace of humour) : Huh, no lah. Logistically not realistic also.

Me : Oh, ok, helicopters then?

Him : No.

Me : Unmanned aircraft?

Him : No, nearby housing area not very...

Me (cutting him off) : Carrier pigeons?

Him : HAR??

Me (deadpan) : Paper aeroplane?

Him : ...

---------------------------------------------

Yeah, I can be a bully. :P

Anyway, more laughs!

---------------------------------------------

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into
her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."


=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =====


A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road
and pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he
eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights
flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some
more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/h to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and
pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th." If you can give me a
good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a
Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back".

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"


=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =====


A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most
beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart
escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a
sales person didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her.

"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened,
she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted
just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price!

Oh.My.Gawd

If there is any indication of how much of a failure our Singapore education system is, one of it has to be a conversation I just had with a client during a meeting.

Her : "I'm not sure if our selection of The Star (the leading English newspaper in Malaysia) is appropriate for the campaign. Would Sin Chew (The leading cheena paper) have a better reach?"

Me : "Well, the circulation is quite close, but you have to consider your target audience. Since your brand is looking to hit the English-speaking market, The Star would be a better choice, because you don't just restrict yourself to reaching out to the Chinese market only. There are the English-educated Malays and Indians you can target as well."

Her : "Oh I see... but majority of the population in Malaysia is Chinese right?"

Me : "Er... no?"

Oh My Fucking God. How on fucking earth can anyone think the majority race in MALAYSIA is ...

I was speechless for like 10 seconds and my colleague had to cover for me.

Seriously. WTF

Fuck I Hate Lazy Mondays...

My organiser has revealed something totally rare for the day dated 25th February 2008. Somehow I didn't fix a meeting for this day at all. Nada. Kosong. Zero. I'm so happy and yet.. I'm bored...

Hahahaha...

My rundown of what I have done since 9am today.

9am - Lazily plugged in my laptop, went to get a mug of coffee, chatted about the weekend ("yeah I didn't do anything.. you too huh?").

9.27am - Today's stack of papers was plonked on my side table. I lazily plucked the ones I usually read (ST, IHT, BT, TODAY) and the ones I read when I'm damn bored and I want to laugh at the articles (TNP, mypaper).

10.13am - I'm done reading the papers. Made a couple of catty comments over the top of the papers in my hands and colleagues laughed dutifully. I decide to go for breakfast, diet be damned.

10.17am - I order my fishball noodles with extra fishballs. Spotted a cute blonde-haired beng sitting at the coffeeshop opposite. Gazed wistfully for a while with random thoughts like "do the curtains match the drapes?" kind.

10.34am - I walk to the UOB bank behind my office and did some personal banking. It ain't as interesting as it sounds. Cute security guard though.

10.51am - I am back in the office and I lazily call up CNN.com, BBC and People.com. I glance through some new emails and decide to KIV the lot of them. *Yawn*

11.20am - I decide to blast my latest mp3 download, Stuff Like That There by Bette Midler through my iPod wired to my PC speakers. Am so happy ever since I discovered mp3 shopping online. *Note : Should return speakers since I don't have PC anymore. Shall try the L'Oreal line on the cute IT guy.

11.23am - My mp3 finished. I give putting it on replay some serious thought.

11.24am - I decide to replay my mp3, along with my "Best of Broadway" playlist. I also decide to reply to a random work email for the heck of it.

12.01pm - I just finished clearing 7 emails that called for attention. Something about a diva-induced adrenaline rush I guess. I decide to pop downstairs to buy a glass of iced lychee to celebrate.

12.20pm - I log back to CNN.com to check the Oscar winners. Tilda Swinton won. Yay. Can't care less about the rest. Am surprised Edison Chen didn't win Best Unwilling Documentary. Read more about the disappointing Clinton slump in the polls. WTF is wrong with Americans huh?

12.40pm - I chatted with a client over the phone. Mostly alot of personal nonsense. We really clicked during our $2.5k Japanese lunch last week.

1.00pm - My colleagues are going for lunch. I decline their invitation to head downstairs and take the opportunity to indulge in some SPBIO (Secret Personal Behaviour In Office). What it is? If I tell it won't BE secret right?! Duh..

1.15pm - I log back to People.com and graciously invite their offer to vote on Celeb Hit or Miss's latest. I enjoyed voting "Miss!" on all of Fergie's and Kate Holmes' fashion disasters. I'm a harsher critic than most, hell I even panned Nicole Kidman! But at least I didn't score a dud at all when I voted for fabo Hits. My gay sense never fails me...

1.37pm - I call up the entire Dreamgirls OST on my playlist and log onto Amazon.com to check if I can order the latest DVD box sets. All not out yet. Bloody hell.

2.00pm - I blog this trashy entry.

Windows of Opportunities

Amidst the busy bustle of ensuring that plans for my new account's media launch run smoothly, a phone call came through on my handphone.

It was basically a job offer for the position of marketing manager for a chain of nightlife joints here. I was midly bemused and asked where they'd gotten my contacts before and I was told that I was referred via an agency.

Which begs the question of course, don't such agencies contact you themselves so as to control the process of hiring and in the end, earn the commission?

Anyway, I was rushing for a meeting and despite my repeated tellings that I just settled into a new job, the HR Director (who was on the other end of the line) refused to take "no" for an answer. She kept insisting that it's be a "casual chat". Ok FIIIINE. I guess respect has to be afforded given her sincerity. I made an appointment for 4pm this coming Thursday and walked into my meeting 2 mins late.

Today during my first minutes of work I was mildly irritated by my senior manager. She means well but sometimes I feel she gets too bogged down in the nitty gritty and this morning was one of those examples.

Frankly I hate things like paperwork. Once a contract / quotation is signed I move on and leave the filing etc. to well, administrative colleagues lah! But here in my current job I have to share an executive with my senior manager and the poor thing has barely time to breathe for all the work she has to do, much less keep up with the paperwork.

It's not a big deal but things like that make me irritated because they crop up as an obstacle that stands in the way of my momentum of work. While she (my senior manager) droned on and on about which coloured copy of the contract goes into which file and which has to be submitted to whichever department and make sure I make a photocopy for filing under YET another system, I found myself tuning out for a moment and caught myself thinking "I wonder if that new job would be the same..."

(Speaking of insane filing and file naming system, my shared server is a thing to marvel at. At times I feel daunted trying to save a document for fear of breaching a naming convention or placing it in the wrong destination. I once counted pulling out a file 12 levels deep from the main folder. )

Anyway, it's bad I know but I really shouldn't be thinking about changing jobs at this juncture.

But I have to admit, throughout my day at work and on my way home, my mind drifted to the possibilities should I attend the interview and procure the job offered.

At this point I can pinpoint alot more "cons" as opposed to "pros" when weighing up the options. But I confess that the possibilities of a new position, a new product, a new working environment and a new industry excites me.

Overall I feel it is a bad character trait and a flaw in me. I detest the mundane, I despise routine for being routine just for the sake of it. That is one reason why I have always worked in the "vendor" or "contractor" role of a given industry, namely because I get to work with multiple accounts and variables are always changing.

So I mentally told myself, "be sensible, settle down and give this job a chance". I'll probably forgo the interview this Thursday. But my mind WILL drift from time to time (especially when the droning begins) to thinking "what if...."

Meandering Thoughts II

Read the papers, both local and international. Process. Analyse. Highlight if anything relevant.

Go through department's work-in-progresses and various accounts. Deadlines. Chase. Follow up.

Account / Brand discussions. Evaluate. Propose. Set deadlines.

New account director always ends meetings with "ok, good meeting, bad meeting, waste of time?" Ha ha.

Gazing out of window. Enjoy view.

Starbucks time. The walk to the joint is always a calming experience. Inhaling the aroma of brewing coffee whenever stepping in. Frapp for the win.

Lunch time. Hustling bustling crowd. Joining the queues. "1 please, packet yes." Need fruits. Damn fiber.

3pm lull. Need a break. Log onto blog. Hence you're reading this. Hah!

Emails waiting to be answered, reports to be vetted / approved. Sigh.

Sms from friend. Dinner? Nah. Lunch? Maybe.

Sms the boyfriend. Meeting up? Maybe. Haven't had sex in months. Sigh.

Courier delivery. Client sent basket of wines and cheese. Wow. Yum. *burp*

Elusive client. Don't ya scream at me when deadline is missed bitch.

MSN beep. Some random gossip / cry for help / bitching session.

MIght have to work overtime but WoW raiding beckons. Looks like dinner is eat in.

Miss Ah Boy.

Human Rights Vs. Effing F1

Read this.

"Lawyer Kala Mohan, on the other hand, echoes a long-held sceptic's view — that Singapore does not need a human rights body, for we have good laws already in place."

The sheer fucking HYPOCRISY of it... not to mention the idiocy of which ever freaking toad in CNA who wrote that piece of crap.

Why? Well, apparently I'm living in a country (not that it's any news to me) that manages to ram through a bill allowing casinos, street car drag racing (whatever), bartop dancing faster than one can imagine but when it comes to HUMAN RIGHTS, it treats it like we're talking about buying or building a say, gladiatorial bull fighting ring.

It's a "nice to have", but it might not be "Singaporean". Yes, from the way Singapore speaks of Human Rights, it's like talking about starting a bull fighting culture here. Equally relevant and important. Get it?

So what's gonna happen from here? Our bullshit Government will hem and haw about this for a while, and then quietly shelve it for the next X number of years while it plays it song and dance about having brand new gambling dens and F1 racing, distracting it's citizaens about soaring inflation and CPI rates, lessening returns of CPF, irresponsible handling of our national reserves by Temasek Holdings, lowering of minimum wages due to fucking Foreign Talent.

Oh by the way isn't it sweet irony that thanks to our beloved Foreign Talent 106 people has come down with food poisoning due to Prima Food's embrace of our government's cheap labour scheme? So much for "leavening" our population with foreign "talent". (Sorry, couldn't resist that pun).

Faded Glories

The thought hit me over the weekend as I was out in Orchard, having my haircut, doing some light shopping, gaming etc.

This month would see me hitting 28. Twenty fucking eight. 11 years ago when I first dated seriously, my bf then was 28 and all his friends were teasing him for being a "cradle snatcher". Today should I date someone below 20, I'm sure I'd be termed the same.

Not that I want to. Have had enough of bottom "geenas". *shudder*

Anyway, I digress. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning prior to stepping out for work. In a fit of pique at the salon, I told my stylist to crop off everything. The last time I did this was 2002, right smack on my birthday when I had shorn off my shoulder length blonde hair. *wince*

THe effect back then was startling. My face was constantly behind a veiled of expensively maintained locks. For 2 1/2 years I hid my face from myself in a whirl of club lights, on & off stage drama and sex. Facing myself, I was gaunt from overwork as a starving dancer, I was deeply tanned and I was constantly bitchy, nasty and cold. As I looked myself in the eye seated on that barber's chair, I didn't like what I saw.

Today 5 years later, I'm alot older. Overweight and tired. I've been through really shit times in the past 2 years odd, but I've also experienced exquisite happiness. Growing up in recent times saw alot of tears, frustration, despair and fear.

Looking ahead, the immediate future is fraught with worry. Looking around me, my close friends are beset with their own problems and tribulations in life. We're all getting older and wiser. But sometimes life throws you a curveball and you fumble trying to cath it and be back in control.

Look at yourself in the mirror. 5 years from now what do you hope to see in that same but yet changed reflection?