Loss

Today was one hell of an exhausted day for me.

I had barely dozed off from watching an episode of Lost I had just bought on dvd, when my brother shook me awake.

"Mama just passed away," he sighed, referring to my grandmother, "Dad wants us to handle the details for Mum."

My mum had never been really close to my grandmother, hence I understood what he meant immediately. I got up and changed, gave the little furkid a hug and his walk and feed before rushing through the rest of the funeral preparations. I managed to catch my dad and had a few words before I left the house and drove down to hospital with my brother.

As expected (and much the subject for sniggering conversations) my extended family started streaming in with varied histrionics. The wake is to be held at my place and barely into the first hour I was already groaning from the constant stream of visitors.

After a harried dinner, I had my elder cousin take over for a while and headed up to take a shower and just escape from all the noise. Just before I stepped into the inviting wall of steam and water, I heard voices down the hallway. Grinning, I slipped into my shorts and walked over to my parent's bedroom.

As usual, my parents were arguing over some nitty gritty detail that my father had cocked up and had my mum riled. I went over and gave my mum a hug as they stood before the apple-white closets they had put in before the Chinese New Year.

"You ok?" I asked with an eyebrow cocked. She sighed and let herself be hugged by me. She told me that she was turning in and handle the visitors early tomorrow.

Watching her settle into bed, I went and sat beside her. She fussed with the bed covers and sank back into the pillows with a satisfied sigh.

"How was work today? Did you inform your boss of Mama's death?" my mum opened the conversation with as usual, a query into how my life was at my new job.

"Yeah it was fine. I got time off easily, it's the first time I ever had to apply for leave under such circumstances."

"You better cherish this job. If you need to go off over the next few days just go, your brother is on holidays and can be here to accompany me if I need any errands to be done. And you, better treasure me now, life is so short. My time isn't far off especially now that Mama is the first to go." Her smile took the edge of the warning in her words. But I know what she meant.

I assured her that I had things well in hand, then something struck me and I leaned forward and ghugged her again. Her hand patted my hair.

"Mum, you know I can't function if you were to go, " I said seriously, "You know the first thing Dad said to me? It was damn weird.

He said 'now that your mum is gone, I don't know how we will go on.' Odd right? Why would he say that? Mama left, not you."

There was a silent pause. I guess she must be working out why my dad said what he did. I snuggled deeper into my mum's arms. Her familiar scent, that aroma that meant I was home, safe from the world's worries and cares, permeated the room.

I never hugged my mum enough. My grandmother's passing away reminded me of the mortality of those around us, that we should not take our loved ones for granted.

My mum gave a sigh and patted my head in that loving gesture I had always known as a kid. "Boy, there is something you must know."

Dread filled me, yes there is something I was supposed to know. I thought over my dad's words in the morning. I know what it meant, but in the rush of activities preparing for...

It hit me. The loss. The truth of the past fortnight. My eyes widened in horror and my arms held my mum tighter. No, this was not right. I am not prepared. My mum was here, next to me. My eyes caught sight of the calendar on the bedside table.

But reality was reality. I felt my mum's hand rest on the nape of my neck in a reassuring manner. She wanted me to accept the facts. I am an adult now. But I didn't want to remember May 30th. I started to sob and shut my eyes to prolong seeing the truth.

I embraced my mum and felt her comforting warmth for the last time. "I love you Mum." I whispered raggedly.

I opened my eyes and the stark emptiness of my bedroom greeted me with its chilly silence. In that infinite moment between seconds, I tried to deny one last futile time, the truth.

Sitting up, I felt the loss of my mum two weeks ago all over again.

Clutching the cold sheets around me, I wept.

No Love Like A Mother's

On 30th May 2008, at approximately 1839 hours, my mum left this world for a better place.

Though I have mentioned on and off to friends about my mum's battle with cancer, only an exclusive few truly knew the depths of pain and suffering that my mum went through.

Over the past couple of weeks, it was numerous trips to the hospital and late night vigils for me as I watched my mum slowly slip away.

Finally with a peaceful heart and mind my mum left in her sleep. I couldn't have asked for a better way to leave and for that, I am truly thankful to God.

Over the past weekend, I was also touched that at that lowest point in my life, the people I expected least to turn up, did and demonstrated unasked for friendship, support and encouragement.

To my NS buddies who showed, despite the fact that we went to separate units after ORD, our bonds spent outfield was enough for you to be there. I thank you all.

To my friend in Cambodia, you know who you are. For the words of encouragement and prayers, I thank you.

To my paternal uncles, aunties and cousins, your silent support, handling of thankless duties like clearing the rubbish and dirty cutlery, getting food and drinks for guests etc. and constantly watching that my family does not keel over from exhaustion and grief, I thank you.

To my aunts and cousins who were there for my mum and my family throughout the months of pain, I truly begin to understand the depths of unconditional familial bonds. I thank you.

To "long lost" friends like Alex, Adrian (Pigeon) and Millicent, my silence over the years was not a factor for you guys not turning up and your presence was a comfort. I truly appreciate it. I thank you.

To my exes, love shared wasn't love lost. Thanks for remembering my mum. I thank you.

To my other. You know the bonds that tie us together. Thanks for being there.

To my best friend, no one knows as well as you do how much my mum really means to me, as does yours to you. Through thick and thin, the joys and sorrows, the achievements and the failures, to have you there during my greatest loss is a comfort beyond compare. Thank you doesn't begin to cover it. But I thank you nonetheless.

To the countless SMSes, phone calls, MSN messages and even emails, thank you for bothering to see if I am okay, for caring despite the years of non contact.

My mum led her life with simple dignity and great personal strength. It's that legacy I hope to carry on with my life.