Another Year Older, This Time A Lot Sadder

I was reminded of the date when my staff knocked on my door with a cake at midnight. I was rather touched that they knew, remembered and cared. Spent the first 6 hours after still in the office, got home at 7am, woke up at 9. Phone was full of well-wishes.

It rang as I sat at my desk checking my mail. The family at LA misses me, I yearn for their presence like a deep knell in my heart. Struggling not cry to as I joked with them over the phone, the voice I longed for most could not, would never come to the phone again. Ringing off, I sat numb at my desk with tears in my eyes and a deep aching inside.

Boss called to say best wishes, am I headed in for the meetings, press interviews and event later? Today will be more of that I guess, well-wishing, best tidings. It's not fair to unload, that it is anything but happy, joyous or celebrative for me. But the front has to be put up, the show has to go on.

I regret not having spent the last one with her, should have just gone out for that dinner. I regret not giving her the utmost priority when I should have, now all the power and money in the world would never do that. Work achievements sound hollow now, I work nonstop to drown out the loneliness in my heart instead.

I miss you Mum. I miss what your presence in my life meant, your silent support in no matter what I did, how I did. I miss knowing that no matter how badly I failed or disappointed, your love for me never wavered and I was always your son no matter what. I miss being able to share with you as I discover more in life and basking in your pride when I did do well. I miss the unconditional love and refuge you had for me at home no matter where I travelled or the tribulations in life I meet.

I hope you know right now, that no matter where or what you are still watching over me. I hope I am making you proud and I will always strive to do so. You never gave up on me and I will never do that to myself ever.

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to us. It was the day you gave me life. Without you I could not have been.

Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

Good news or bad news? For me, I always go for the bad first. I vaguely recall reading somewhere about what it says about one's personality but for the life of me I can't recall what now.

Anyway...

This month is going to be extremely frustrating what with the over-abundance of public holidays (never thought I'd hear myself bitching about THAT!) and its consequential dearth of working days. My job has evolved to so much more than its original job scope ; last night I bitchily commented that I wanted a total job title revamp. And to my surprise, my boss readily agreed. Well let's see 2 months from now...

Everyone's going off for their holidays - I had to cancel my LA trip. Ah what the hell. But I think I'm gonna miss my family for real, for once this Christmas, especially since everyone's gonna be there while I'm stuck here. 99.5% chance I'm gonna be spending it at work with my dorky staff.

I typed an entire long rant but reading it over, I laughed and deleted the whole chunk. Truth is, I'm having hella time with my work. Yes I get home at 7am in the mornings (This whole week!) and sleep at 9, only to wake up at noon and work a couple of hours from home before heading into the office again around 3-4pm. But I find myself strangely invigorated.

Yesterday while sorting my flood of emails (the best friend is gonna laugh when he sees my sorted folders...) I came across one of those mass-CC-fyi emails, in which the totally anal-retentive control freak of director from SAFRA wrote "Just follow up with Nic and he'll tell you how to handle it". I could have taken it as yet another "arrow" but stopping for a minute, I rather take it as a measure of how much the woman is depending on me. Yay for me.

Ok enough of all that. I will manage, I will overcome, I will succeed. And the good news? I've gone down from 90kg (Yes huney I was there) to 83kg currently in the span of 3 weeks. I fucking kid you not.