Confessions of a Once-PAP Voter

Originally posted at http://www.facebook.com/notes/nicholas-lim/confessions-of-a-once-pap-voter/210916142266133

I grew up in a PAP household. Mum worked for the PAP & was only one reporting level away from a Minister himself. I even volunteered for a couple of PAP events but was vaguely uncomfortable with something I couldn't quite put my finger on. Election periods while growing up meant losing Mum for those campaigning days where she accompanied the Minister as part of the grassroots team going door-to-door canvassing for votes. I recall one GE in particular where Cheng San GRC was The Hot Seat. Mum allowed us to stay up to watch the results come in and we all burst out in spontaneous cheering when PAP won. The just and right government had won and I was proud of my Mum for being part of that process. I didn't understand what were the consequences of a PAP-dominated parliament; these were matters best left to the adults.

Getting to know friends who stayed in Hougang were like getting to know another species of Singaporean. "What's it like living in an OPPOSITION ward?" was a question asked with much gleeful curiousity. My first glimpse of Potong Pasir disappointed slightly; I was expecting a bunch of HDB dwellers really down in the dumps, probably going about their day with snarls and grimaces. Instead it was just like any other HDB neighbourhood, just with more visible wear-and-tear around the edges. I was so glad my parents chose to live in AND vote for a PAP-led ward; I can't imagine life without lifts on every floor and a thriving neighbourhood hub with its own MRT station! Upgrading being allocated to PAP-held constituencies seemed like a logical extension of things, the way the government explained things. But then again, I couldn't vote and these were matters best left to politically-inclined individuals.

The advent of the Internet changed all that perception. Curiosity had always gotten me into trouble before (another story for another day) and one fine day, for the life of me I can't recall why now, I decided to look up political parties on the Internet. PAP's website was a natural starting point; everything was as you can expect it to be. Information was parsely doled out with the usual tidbits on how successful Singapore was and how PAP being in charge was responsible for this and how you as a Singaporean, was truly lucky to be part of this utopia we were all working towards. It further amplified my sense that if I wasn't satisfied and happy with the state of things, I wasn't a true Singaporean then.

The first opposition website I peeked into was Worker's Party. It wasn't very well fleshed out back then (this was before 2005) and a lot of it seemed statistics based or focused. I lost interest pretty quickly and looked for more.

Then I found SDP's and I was blown away. For the first time, there were questions I had always thought about vaguely & then quickly quashed as undeserving of a true Singaporean. Far from the much-demonised caricature one usually sees in the mainstream press, the figures of SDP were normal and caring Singaporeans with a difference but oh what a large one. They dared question the status quo and refuse to settle for less. They put forth in not so many words that the government should be accountable to the people, not the other way around. They fought against blind acceptance of governmental "edicts" and spoke up regarding alleviating the plight of less fortunate Singaporeans. They told me that I had rights as a citizen, rights which were summarily dismissed and taken away without my knowledge.

From then on, I started to read our local press with a much greater level of awareness and also questioned what I read. SDP updated their website with the greatest frequency and I devoured their insights and arguments with great relish. The mrbrown/mr-miyagi fiasco with TODAY (I can't recall ofhand now sorry) made me realise the government began to regard the Internet with fear. They were losing control on how information and more importantly, the truth was being disseminated and they didn't like it. The rise of socio-political portals like The Online Citizen and Temasek Review began to offer editorialised counter viewpoints to the current affairs in Singapore, albeit amateurish. But information was power and I began to feel empowered. I swore that the next time I voted, it would be with both eyes wide open.

Fast forward to 2011. The issues put forth by the Opposition are the same with one exception; the opening of the foreign labour floodgates. Cost of living in Singapore has shot up tremendously as compared to the previous decade along with housing and transport. The government's refusal to agree to a minimum wage system means the lower-income families struggle even harder just to survive and local Singaporeans across every level have to compete with an indiscriminate flood of cheaper foreign labour, loosely disguised as necessary "talent". The PAP always says that with them in charge, the years ahead will always be good. But this time round, I regard a PAP-helmed future with much trepidation.

Over the last 5 years, I have been marginalised and belittled as a Singaporean. I served my National Service with great pride but I witness stories of how locals are sidelined in favour of cheaper foreign imports. A Singaporean ten dollar doesn't go as far as it used to, even in Johor Bahru. Taking the public transport, shopping in our plentiful malls, eating in our local eateries, I have never felt the lack of our national identity more. If I were to order food, I have to be mindful to speak slowly to the China server. If I were to call regarding local services, I have to adjust myself to a Filipino accent. At work, should I be required to interact with the IT department, I have to get used to the thick India-n accent.

Today though, I had the luxury of an all-Singaporean experience at the Worker's Party rally at Bedok Stadium. A Malay family who had arrived early like me, brought spare mats and spread them out, inviting everyone to sit and share with them. During Somasundaram's rally speech, an local Indian was helpfully translating the gist of it to us fellow non-Tamil speaking folk. A Chinese uncle who had spare bottles of water offered them to us when it was 2 hours into the rally.

The irony struck me that for the first time in years, I felt connected and closer to my fellow Singaporeans at an event that is probably the most grudgingly sanctioned one by the PAP - a rally whose purpose was to TOPPLE the PAP. The outpouring of affection and camaraderie was a hundred times more genuine than any extravagant NDP parade, much less the farce that was the YOG. People all around me cheered, hooted and jeered in perfect synchronicity. Everyone were expressing their joy at hearing the opposition speak out against the silent injustices inflicted upon us by the PAP and how over the years, we were regarded less as citizens and more like statistics and figures crucial only to their ever increasing stratospheric self-awarded salaries.

So as a fellow Singaporean, the upcoming week is a crucial one. I ask that you do not take the PAP's words at blind faith; the information is out there and easily available. For those who prefer to harken back to the days of yore, I can only say this; the PAP of our parents' generation is long gone. The ministers of today are less concerned with our welfare and more interested in meeting "KPIs" and "benchmarks". Pursuing economic growth blindly is not the solution nor the answer. These are acceptable practises when it comes to work but when it comes to managing a country, a nation with our lives and our children's future at stake, it is not enough and should not be acceptable.

We have the chance to make things right. It comes only once every 5 years. Do you dare risk another half a decade with a careening PAP at the wheel?

ADDENDUM - Posted this after a friend's friend queried my stance regarding immigrants.

I have nothing against immigrants who are here to stay; I have Korean blood in me from my dad's side. Mum's family is Peranakan & I've got family in Malacca.

However I do take issue with these so-called "talents" who come here for a quick stint & easy access to a PR status with no intention of staying whatsoever. I am unhappy with a government that has no qualms in flooding our country with transient foreign workers.

The neighbourhood coffeeshops at my area have been taken over completely by PRC workers - from the kopi stall to the chicken rice to the fishball noodles to the zhar cai fan. The single malay stalls had to close down because the malay residents didn't feel comfortable having their meals there IN THEIR OWN NEIGHBOURHOOD.

I recently went shopping at Tampines Mall and nearly every shop I went into were unable to serve me in English. I can only wonder at the business logic that excludes non-mandarin speaking customers. Just because I happen to speak mandarin myself does not excuse anything.

A year ago, the firm I worked in hired a Filipino studio manager. Within 6 months, 3/4s of the original team were replaced with fellow Filipinos; a colleague close to her cited that she found it difficult to work with local designers and hence she made the switch. And they all talk incessantly of the day they get to go back to their own country and buy a house.

I have lots of expatriate friends who have come here looking for work and end up finding love, set up home and settled down. They are no less Singaporean to me than my other friends; but I do take offence at a government that refuses to implement a minimum wage and forces us locals to compete with cheaper imports who don't have to contend with the long term consequences of living here.

Thanks For Making Me Believe

Dedicated to that very Special Someone. Thanks for being there, for loving me the way you do, for never giving up on me.

Happy anniversary.

Following The Bible

Now before you think this is going to be a preachy Christian post by me, worry not. It is a preachy historical post instead. The religious reference is important for the fact that well, modern society these days derived its moral authority from religion, which back in ye olden days provided for a mostly civilized setting for the people back then.

One of the things that infuriate me when it comes to the discourse of any issue is when the person goes into ideological mode and starts to quote the Bible as a justification for his/her very flawed beliefs. From capital punishment ("an eye for an eye") to condemnation of homosexuality, these ostrich-people (cos' they stick their head in the sand) simply parrot back that it's wrong and it says so in that oh-so-very-flawed book.

Well it says in the Bible, Deuteronomy 21:18-21, "If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, 19 his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. 20 They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard." 21 Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death."

That is but just ONE example of the many outdated "teachings" from that book. It also says that thieves should get their right hand lopped off, if a woman loses her husband, his brother should take her in along with any surviving children, polygamy is approved of and oh by the way, so is slavery! if one was caught doing work on the Sabbath,

This next one is hilarious. Deuteronomy 22:11 says "Thou shall not wear cloth of wool and linen mixed together."

I believe that the Bible reflected the thinking of times back then and it served its purpose. But for modern day context, a lot of it is just plain wrong. As thinking and feeling humans, to blindly follow the words from a book reproduced from over 2,000 years back is not just wrong, it's intellectual abdication.

And for the fundamentalists who cherry pick and choose which "teachings" they wish to follow and which ones to rabidly espouse, evangelise and advocate, it's moral hypocrisy.

Living In A Cloud

Without my knowing it, I have totally shifted my computing habits to one that's very much tethered to the cloud computing system.

it started with mobileme a while back. The ease of having my browser bookmarks, emails and contacts synced seamlessly and more importantly, invisibly across 3 platforms was heavensent. And without realising it, I kinda took it for granted until one day I was rushing out of the office and wanted to read more on a link I had bookmarked, during the commute to a meeting only to realise that I hadn't allowed enough time for the "sync" to go through. Boy was I peeved. And then I began to laugh at how much I had taken it for granted.

I also began using Dropbox to sync work and reference files between my work laptop and home desktop. Thumb-drive to transport files? That's so archaic! And then yesterday my brother let me know that there was the iPhone version. OMG how could I not know this?!

These days with mobile devices stepping up and performing more functions beyond the intended "making phone calls", cloud computing has really come into its own. It's really easy to get into and the convenience it supplies to a busy individual's life is unrivalled. Thing is, how much of a crutch would this slowly become without us becoming aware of it? And what's worse, what would happen when one day something goes wrong and things fail as it inevitably would and should? Can you imagine the collective global scream of horror??



Anyway, here's an awesome website, the Expedition Titanic. What's it about? Well it's a pretty well publicized attempt (yet another) to raise and/or salvage the wreck of the RMS Titanic. Yes, THAT Titanic we all know and love (or hate depending on what kind of cold-hearted creep you are).

I'm mentioning this not because I'm a Titanic fanboy (though the nature of a world-famouse shipwreck DOES have its intrigue) but because of... the website itself!

It's an awesome concept, leveraging on the nature of a dive to have a website just scroll on downwards like seemingly forever. And done rather seamlessly too. But I have to say, using it is a tad of a chore on my Magic Mouse.

New Beginnings

So I officially start work at the new agency today! I'm jazzed up and raring to go. I so miss working in Singapore.

At The Gym II

He first caught my attention from the corner of my eye. Blinking in disbelief, I slowly let down the weights I was carrying and subtly shifted my body to get a better look. Yup, I wasn't mistaken.

You don't get to see such a specimen even if you spend 24/7 in the gym. I shook my head in wonder at what I saw. He casually strolled across my field of sight and I got a full view from the back. He was there, almost bare and he was proud of it. I was amazed and to be honest, a little envious.

I glanced around surreptitiously and caught the knowing smile of another guy who was working out near me. He looked at The Guy, then at me and gave a quick wink. I flushed with embarrassment because I was caught looking, BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT.

Should I go up and say something? I was unsure, for all I know he could just give me the rude brush-off. But I hate going through life with "What Ifs..." running through my head and I know this would be one such example. Nervously, I licked my lips and took a swig of water for courage. I glanced over at my neighbour with what I hoped was a pleading gaze for backup but he just mischievously continued grinning at me. I was alone in this whether I liked it or not.

As I crossed the 4 or 5 steps between us, I took in a closer look at his entire physique. Having weighed close to a baby whale mere months ago, I empathised with what The Guy was working to achieve. The thought then struck me as I reached out to tap his shoulder, "Would I wanna know if that was me??"

Too late, I watched as my hand landed somewhat clumsily on his shoulder. He turned in astonishment and for a moment, I was conscious of my sweaty disheveled self. Oh gawd what the hell was I getting myself into??

"Hi..." I heard myself squeak. He growled and/or grunted in reply and stood waiting for my answer. I forced an awkward smile on my face and figured an apologetic shrug would go best with what I had to say next. Around me, I noticed detachedly that people had stopped working out to witness our exchange. Even the music in the gym seemed to pause, to lend emphasis to my next few words...

"Your g-string is showing... think you could pull up your pants?"

For The Little Lock On The Hill

I was browsing one of the warlock forums I go to, when a post by the site's moderator caught my eye.

It was a tribute to "the little lock on the hill", a personal account by another warlock player 2 years ago this day (May 24 2007).

When I first read his account, I blinked, then started tearing.

This is the post the original poster, Tanorthewarlock from US Azgalor server, made on The Warlocks Den forums.

"Well...how to start? By getting to the point i guess...my nephew who is 7 years old pasted away today. As i sit the tears have already started to roll. But i wanted to tell you of his level 11 gnome warlock on my account,also on my sever.

He has spent 4 days 7 hrs and some change playing. Alot of time to be only level 11 huh? Well, the first day we played he wanted to make a toon like mine but he wanted his to be "little like him,so he made a gnome. And i was all over him the first few hours...with,"no go over here"" no, you want to wear those pants they are better than yours" " "no, the deer dont give you experence" "why are you going to kill those level 3 kobalds again?"

To which many of his answers where, " i like hearing those guys say "you no take candle" to which he would squeel. As for the pants he just didnt like them,he kept his pants he got in the begining. Said they were his lucky pants. He said his imp liked eating the deer,to which i would be like "no...they dont eat the deer".He would see how long it took him to get thru that cave of kobalds over and over and over again.

After all my "advice" and suggestion on "spell rotations" and how to use his imp effectivly, he told me that a game should be fun and everything i told him was confusing and made his head hurt.

From that day foward i let him do whatever he wanted as long as he wanted to. He loved killing kobalds, running around trees, killing cows, and playing his lock the way he wanted to,even if uncle "tanor" didnt think it was "efficient".

He loved coming over and playing,I gave up many a kara spot so he could do his speed runs on the cave of kobalds. Becuse when it all came down to it those epics were just purple pixels on a screen and my nephews smile will forever be in my memory and the squeel when the kobald would say"you no take my candle".

So I have taken his lock(at level 11 now and forever) and parked him on a hill looking out at the starting valley in northshire.

So to my little warlock,my nephew, my little buddy, who loved his uncle as much as his uncle loved him you will always be in my heart and that smile will always be with me."

I cried when I finished reading this. I have been playing this game for 4 years and so often, oh very often I find myself getting pissed off or mad at things that really, at the end of it all shouldn't and doesn't matter.

Two years later the perspective of a sweet kid really shocked me into realising that yes, WoW IS a game and it should be fun. The little nitty gritty things shouldn't matter more than the people with whom you enjoy the game with. At the same time, it's also crucial to take the time out to show some appreciation to those whom you love around you.

All the fun crazy stuff I used to do with my warlock and which I hardly have the time to indulge in now, takes on special meaning for me from now on. It shouldn't always be the case but I'm glad I'm reminded of the importance of having fun for the sake of it.

So, in memoriam, for the little lock on the hill, thank you. I bought a red rose from Dalaran, rode out to the hill and logged out on your hill. May you always be happy wherever you are, chasing kobolds and feeding your imp deer.

/sniffles.

Another Year Older, This Time A Lot Sadder

I was reminded of the date when my staff knocked on my door with a cake at midnight. I was rather touched that they knew, remembered and cared. Spent the first 6 hours after still in the office, got home at 7am, woke up at 9. Phone was full of well-wishes.

It rang as I sat at my desk checking my mail. The family at LA misses me, I yearn for their presence like a deep knell in my heart. Struggling not cry to as I joked with them over the phone, the voice I longed for most could not, would never come to the phone again. Ringing off, I sat numb at my desk with tears in my eyes and a deep aching inside.

Boss called to say best wishes, am I headed in for the meetings, press interviews and event later? Today will be more of that I guess, well-wishing, best tidings. It's not fair to unload, that it is anything but happy, joyous or celebrative for me. But the front has to be put up, the show has to go on.

I regret not having spent the last one with her, should have just gone out for that dinner. I regret not giving her the utmost priority when I should have, now all the power and money in the world would never do that. Work achievements sound hollow now, I work nonstop to drown out the loneliness in my heart instead.

I miss you Mum. I miss what your presence in my life meant, your silent support in no matter what I did, how I did. I miss knowing that no matter how badly I failed or disappointed, your love for me never wavered and I was always your son no matter what. I miss being able to share with you as I discover more in life and basking in your pride when I did do well. I miss the unconditional love and refuge you had for me at home no matter where I travelled or the tribulations in life I meet.

I hope you know right now, that no matter where or what you are still watching over me. I hope I am making you proud and I will always strive to do so. You never gave up on me and I will never do that to myself ever.

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to us. It was the day you gave me life. Without you I could not have been.

Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

Good news or bad news? For me, I always go for the bad first. I vaguely recall reading somewhere about what it says about one's personality but for the life of me I can't recall what now.

Anyway...

This month is going to be extremely frustrating what with the over-abundance of public holidays (never thought I'd hear myself bitching about THAT!) and its consequential dearth of working days. My job has evolved to so much more than its original job scope ; last night I bitchily commented that I wanted a total job title revamp. And to my surprise, my boss readily agreed. Well let's see 2 months from now...

Everyone's going off for their holidays - I had to cancel my LA trip. Ah what the hell. But I think I'm gonna miss my family for real, for once this Christmas, especially since everyone's gonna be there while I'm stuck here. 99.5% chance I'm gonna be spending it at work with my dorky staff.

I typed an entire long rant but reading it over, I laughed and deleted the whole chunk. Truth is, I'm having hella time with my work. Yes I get home at 7am in the mornings (This whole week!) and sleep at 9, only to wake up at noon and work a couple of hours from home before heading into the office again around 3-4pm. But I find myself strangely invigorated.

Yesterday while sorting my flood of emails (the best friend is gonna laugh when he sees my sorted folders...) I came across one of those mass-CC-fyi emails, in which the totally anal-retentive control freak of director from SAFRA wrote "Just follow up with Nic and he'll tell you how to handle it". I could have taken it as yet another "arrow" but stopping for a minute, I rather take it as a measure of how much the woman is depending on me. Yay for me.

Ok enough of all that. I will manage, I will overcome, I will succeed. And the good news? I've gone down from 90kg (Yes huney I was there) to 83kg currently in the span of 3 weeks. I fucking kid you not.

All About The Brokeback

Ok fine, I'm damn slow but I finally caught Brokeback Mountain on dvd, having ordered it in an insane moment on Amazon.com.

It was everything I expected (and feared) it would be when I chose not to watch it back in 2005. it was long, it had (overly) long sweeping scenery moments (damn you Ang Lee) and it made me have to reach for at least 5 Magnums before I finally finished the movie in one sitting. That and alot of restless moving to and fro for any slightest excuse, including checking my emails, calling a random Chinese restaurant for delivery (in vain) and watching movie clips on my iPod while trying not to fall asleep.

Critically acclaimed? It does prove to me that the media has its pet projects (like we don't all know that) and for what's it worth, it'sa good movie but it could have been alot better. Unless the movie was filmed on the assumption that the viewer would also be a reader of Annie Proulx's works.

In which case, load up on the silent innuendoes and artistic sweeping shots and whatever else that might / might not be occurring, leave it at the feet of "how different readers take the story is a reflection of their own personal values, attitudes, hang-ups" for your own intepretations of what's (boringly) going on.

There were at times I found myself wishing desperately for a serial killer or something to wander onto the film set and start murdering people, just to pick the pace up a little.

Why? Because as romantic as the notion of the love depicted within might seem / sound, it just doesn't apply to today's Youtube generations' of "no holds barred, responsibilities, traditions and discretions be damned".

And you can take that anyway you want to infer from me. :P

Holy Crap...

Taken from the Straits Times

A MOTORCYCLIST suffered serious head injuries after his bike hit the rear of a car, which in turn, collided into two other vehicles on the Central Expressway (CTE) on Monday.

The chain collision happened on the CTE towards the Ayer Rajah Expressway, just before the Braddell Road exit, at 10.35 am.

The 61-year-old motorcyclist was rushed to Tan Tock Seng Hospital, where he died at 12.55 pm.

- END -

Now, before I really freak out...

My cab was there like, FIVE minutes before ok?! Cos' I reach the office at 10:45am today...

Loss

Today was one hell of an exhausted day for me.

I had barely dozed off from watching an episode of Lost I had just bought on dvd, when my brother shook me awake.

"Mama just passed away," he sighed, referring to my grandmother, "Dad wants us to handle the details for Mum."

My mum had never been really close to my grandmother, hence I understood what he meant immediately. I got up and changed, gave the little furkid a hug and his walk and feed before rushing through the rest of the funeral preparations. I managed to catch my dad and had a few words before I left the house and drove down to hospital with my brother.

As expected (and much the subject for sniggering conversations) my extended family started streaming in with varied histrionics. The wake is to be held at my place and barely into the first hour I was already groaning from the constant stream of visitors.

After a harried dinner, I had my elder cousin take over for a while and headed up to take a shower and just escape from all the noise. Just before I stepped into the inviting wall of steam and water, I heard voices down the hallway. Grinning, I slipped into my shorts and walked over to my parent's bedroom.

As usual, my parents were arguing over some nitty gritty detail that my father had cocked up and had my mum riled. I went over and gave my mum a hug as they stood before the apple-white closets they had put in before the Chinese New Year.

"You ok?" I asked with an eyebrow cocked. She sighed and let herself be hugged by me. She told me that she was turning in and handle the visitors early tomorrow.

Watching her settle into bed, I went and sat beside her. She fussed with the bed covers and sank back into the pillows with a satisfied sigh.

"How was work today? Did you inform your boss of Mama's death?" my mum opened the conversation with as usual, a query into how my life was at my new job.

"Yeah it was fine. I got time off easily, it's the first time I ever had to apply for leave under such circumstances."

"You better cherish this job. If you need to go off over the next few days just go, your brother is on holidays and can be here to accompany me if I need any errands to be done. And you, better treasure me now, life is so short. My time isn't far off especially now that Mama is the first to go." Her smile took the edge of the warning in her words. But I know what she meant.

I assured her that I had things well in hand, then something struck me and I leaned forward and ghugged her again. Her hand patted my hair.

"Mum, you know I can't function if you were to go, " I said seriously, "You know the first thing Dad said to me? It was damn weird.

He said 'now that your mum is gone, I don't know how we will go on.' Odd right? Why would he say that? Mama left, not you."

There was a silent pause. I guess she must be working out why my dad said what he did. I snuggled deeper into my mum's arms. Her familiar scent, that aroma that meant I was home, safe from the world's worries and cares, permeated the room.

I never hugged my mum enough. My grandmother's passing away reminded me of the mortality of those around us, that we should not take our loved ones for granted.

My mum gave a sigh and patted my head in that loving gesture I had always known as a kid. "Boy, there is something you must know."

Dread filled me, yes there is something I was supposed to know. I thought over my dad's words in the morning. I know what it meant, but in the rush of activities preparing for...

It hit me. The loss. The truth of the past fortnight. My eyes widened in horror and my arms held my mum tighter. No, this was not right. I am not prepared. My mum was here, next to me. My eyes caught sight of the calendar on the bedside table.

But reality was reality. I felt my mum's hand rest on the nape of my neck in a reassuring manner. She wanted me to accept the facts. I am an adult now. But I didn't want to remember May 30th. I started to sob and shut my eyes to prolong seeing the truth.

I embraced my mum and felt her comforting warmth for the last time. "I love you Mum." I whispered raggedly.

I opened my eyes and the stark emptiness of my bedroom greeted me with its chilly silence. In that infinite moment between seconds, I tried to deny one last futile time, the truth.

Sitting up, I felt the loss of my mum two weeks ago all over again.

Clutching the cold sheets around me, I wept.

No Love Like A Mother's

On 30th May 2008, at approximately 1839 hours, my mum left this world for a better place.

Though I have mentioned on and off to friends about my mum's battle with cancer, only an exclusive few truly knew the depths of pain and suffering that my mum went through.

Over the past couple of weeks, it was numerous trips to the hospital and late night vigils for me as I watched my mum slowly slip away.

Finally with a peaceful heart and mind my mum left in her sleep. I couldn't have asked for a better way to leave and for that, I am truly thankful to God.

Over the past weekend, I was also touched that at that lowest point in my life, the people I expected least to turn up, did and demonstrated unasked for friendship, support and encouragement.

To my NS buddies who showed, despite the fact that we went to separate units after ORD, our bonds spent outfield was enough for you to be there. I thank you all.

To my friend in Cambodia, you know who you are. For the words of encouragement and prayers, I thank you.

To my paternal uncles, aunties and cousins, your silent support, handling of thankless duties like clearing the rubbish and dirty cutlery, getting food and drinks for guests etc. and constantly watching that my family does not keel over from exhaustion and grief, I thank you.

To my aunts and cousins who were there for my mum and my family throughout the months of pain, I truly begin to understand the depths of unconditional familial bonds. I thank you.

To "long lost" friends like Alex, Adrian (Pigeon) and Millicent, my silence over the years was not a factor for you guys not turning up and your presence was a comfort. I truly appreciate it. I thank you.

To my exes, love shared wasn't love lost. Thanks for remembering my mum. I thank you.

To my other. You know the bonds that tie us together. Thanks for being there.

To my best friend, no one knows as well as you do how much my mum really means to me, as does yours to you. Through thick and thin, the joys and sorrows, the achievements and the failures, to have you there during my greatest loss is a comfort beyond compare. Thank you doesn't begin to cover it. But I thank you nonetheless.

To the countless SMSes, phone calls, MSN messages and even emails, thank you for bothering to see if I am okay, for caring despite the years of non contact.

My mum led her life with simple dignity and great personal strength. It's that legacy I hope to carry on with my life.

Deadlines

So it came to be that I have 3 major deadlines this week, falling nicely on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday respectively.

These deadlines are major not because I usually don't have any, but the presentations determine my scope of work for these 3 separate accounts for the rest of the year till Mar/ April 2009.

Delivering a brand campaign strategy is not something one pulls out of his ass everyday, needless to say three at one shot. (3 guys at one shot though.. hmmm.. post stress celebration? Hahahah..)

I had a major mental block, partly due to the fact that I had 2 other smaller accounts for whom I had to dedicate my creative juices to as well. Being in the position where I am, it was pretty much expected that I lead and drive the creative processes. Most nights I went home feeling frustrated and returning to work with a heavy sense of dread.

For many days I sat at my desk a work, staring at emails clamouring for my attention and leadership. I gave non-commital answers, missed internal deadlines and basically was being the jerk-ass colleague everyone hates. I was working without direction, was incredibly sulky and just not responsive. The lack of support, emotionally, creatively, whatever-ly, was just not there and I was on the verge of blowing my brains out just to lessen the headache.

Maybe I work best when the deadline is IN MY FACE. Monday night I was hit by a sudden rush of inspiration with regards to my 3 campaigns and I sent out a flurry of emails laden with instructions and directions. I activated the various teams under my lead and sent everyone scurrying for research, background information, current situations, I created templates and workflow sheets. I dictated ideas and processes. I made firm decisions and more importantly, without knowing it, I was delegating my ass off and demanded answers, results and end-products.

I was bouncing off the walls with my burst of adrenaline and in my impatient haste to get the finished results of the orders I sent out, I even rearranged the position of my table in a better orientation within my corner of the office. Within 15 minutes I had a new desk direction and I was settled in sending out replies to emails that came in while I was offline (for 15 bloody minutes!).

"Hey wait", you might say, "Wasn't your first deadline today?". Yes it was and I delivered it with a fresh sense of confidence. The clients took in my proposal, they asked questions, I snapped my fingers and I had the relevant research in my hands. They were happy with the answers I had for them coupled with the assurance that their brand campaign will achieve results beyond their projected goals. It was only later when the client offered to buy my team lunch that I found out, their own HQ called in with news that they were delighted with the initial brand launch I conducted in January and was told to go along with whatever I am going to propose.

I can't express my sense of overwhelmed delight at hearing that. The principal who had given his blessings is no less than a CEO of an international luxury watch brand and it was both gratifying and humbling. Gee I guess he DID read the reports we send over then.

It was also during lunch that the second realisation hit me, alot of it was due to my delegation. I've always worked within very tight work-teams and most of the time, I'm used to running a one-man show. Saddled with multiple teams of people to manage, I had not given much thought to making sure MY work-load is evenly shared out and instead, I ended up biting off more than I can chew.

So I walk away from this a slightly different person than I was last week. I fully understand and grasp the silly folly I made when presented with the challenges and I'm going to make sure I loosen my anal grasp on things in future.

Gotta go now, have got 10 other things to dictate. :P

Fuck I Hate Lazy Mondays...

My organiser has revealed something totally rare for the day dated 25th February 2008. Somehow I didn't fix a meeting for this day at all. Nada. Kosong. Zero. I'm so happy and yet.. I'm bored...

Hahahaha...

My rundown of what I have done since 9am today.

9am - Lazily plugged in my laptop, went to get a mug of coffee, chatted about the weekend ("yeah I didn't do anything.. you too huh?").

9.27am - Today's stack of papers was plonked on my side table. I lazily plucked the ones I usually read (ST, IHT, BT, TODAY) and the ones I read when I'm damn bored and I want to laugh at the articles (TNP, mypaper).

10.13am - I'm done reading the papers. Made a couple of catty comments over the top of the papers in my hands and colleagues laughed dutifully. I decide to go for breakfast, diet be damned.

10.17am - I order my fishball noodles with extra fishballs. Spotted a cute blonde-haired beng sitting at the coffeeshop opposite. Gazed wistfully for a while with random thoughts like "do the curtains match the drapes?" kind.

10.34am - I walk to the UOB bank behind my office and did some personal banking. It ain't as interesting as it sounds. Cute security guard though.

10.51am - I am back in the office and I lazily call up CNN.com, BBC and People.com. I glance through some new emails and decide to KIV the lot of them. *Yawn*

11.20am - I decide to blast my latest mp3 download, Stuff Like That There by Bette Midler through my iPod wired to my PC speakers. Am so happy ever since I discovered mp3 shopping online. *Note : Should return speakers since I don't have PC anymore. Shall try the L'Oreal line on the cute IT guy.

11.23am - My mp3 finished. I give putting it on replay some serious thought.

11.24am - I decide to replay my mp3, along with my "Best of Broadway" playlist. I also decide to reply to a random work email for the heck of it.

12.01pm - I just finished clearing 7 emails that called for attention. Something about a diva-induced adrenaline rush I guess. I decide to pop downstairs to buy a glass of iced lychee to celebrate.

12.20pm - I log back to CNN.com to check the Oscar winners. Tilda Swinton won. Yay. Can't care less about the rest. Am surprised Edison Chen didn't win Best Unwilling Documentary. Read more about the disappointing Clinton slump in the polls. WTF is wrong with Americans huh?

12.40pm - I chatted with a client over the phone. Mostly alot of personal nonsense. We really clicked during our $2.5k Japanese lunch last week.

1.00pm - My colleagues are going for lunch. I decline their invitation to head downstairs and take the opportunity to indulge in some SPBIO (Secret Personal Behaviour In Office). What it is? If I tell it won't BE secret right?! Duh..

1.15pm - I log back to People.com and graciously invite their offer to vote on Celeb Hit or Miss's latest. I enjoyed voting "Miss!" on all of Fergie's and Kate Holmes' fashion disasters. I'm a harsher critic than most, hell I even panned Nicole Kidman! But at least I didn't score a dud at all when I voted for fabo Hits. My gay sense never fails me...

1.37pm - I call up the entire Dreamgirls OST on my playlist and log onto Amazon.com to check if I can order the latest DVD box sets. All not out yet. Bloody hell.

2.00pm - I blog this trashy entry.

Windows of Opportunities

Amidst the busy bustle of ensuring that plans for my new account's media launch run smoothly, a phone call came through on my handphone.

It was basically a job offer for the position of marketing manager for a chain of nightlife joints here. I was midly bemused and asked where they'd gotten my contacts before and I was told that I was referred via an agency.

Which begs the question of course, don't such agencies contact you themselves so as to control the process of hiring and in the end, earn the commission?

Anyway, I was rushing for a meeting and despite my repeated tellings that I just settled into a new job, the HR Director (who was on the other end of the line) refused to take "no" for an answer. She kept insisting that it's be a "casual chat". Ok FIIIINE. I guess respect has to be afforded given her sincerity. I made an appointment for 4pm this coming Thursday and walked into my meeting 2 mins late.

Today during my first minutes of work I was mildly irritated by my senior manager. She means well but sometimes I feel she gets too bogged down in the nitty gritty and this morning was one of those examples.

Frankly I hate things like paperwork. Once a contract / quotation is signed I move on and leave the filing etc. to well, administrative colleagues lah! But here in my current job I have to share an executive with my senior manager and the poor thing has barely time to breathe for all the work she has to do, much less keep up with the paperwork.

It's not a big deal but things like that make me irritated because they crop up as an obstacle that stands in the way of my momentum of work. While she (my senior manager) droned on and on about which coloured copy of the contract goes into which file and which has to be submitted to whichever department and make sure I make a photocopy for filing under YET another system, I found myself tuning out for a moment and caught myself thinking "I wonder if that new job would be the same..."

(Speaking of insane filing and file naming system, my shared server is a thing to marvel at. At times I feel daunted trying to save a document for fear of breaching a naming convention or placing it in the wrong destination. I once counted pulling out a file 12 levels deep from the main folder. )

Anyway, it's bad I know but I really shouldn't be thinking about changing jobs at this juncture.

But I have to admit, throughout my day at work and on my way home, my mind drifted to the possibilities should I attend the interview and procure the job offered.

At this point I can pinpoint alot more "cons" as opposed to "pros" when weighing up the options. But I confess that the possibilities of a new position, a new product, a new working environment and a new industry excites me.

Overall I feel it is a bad character trait and a flaw in me. I detest the mundane, I despise routine for being routine just for the sake of it. That is one reason why I have always worked in the "vendor" or "contractor" role of a given industry, namely because I get to work with multiple accounts and variables are always changing.

So I mentally told myself, "be sensible, settle down and give this job a chance". I'll probably forgo the interview this Thursday. But my mind WILL drift from time to time (especially when the droning begins) to thinking "what if...."

Meandering Thoughts II

Read the papers, both local and international. Process. Analyse. Highlight if anything relevant.

Go through department's work-in-progresses and various accounts. Deadlines. Chase. Follow up.

Account / Brand discussions. Evaluate. Propose. Set deadlines.

New account director always ends meetings with "ok, good meeting, bad meeting, waste of time?" Ha ha.

Gazing out of window. Enjoy view.

Starbucks time. The walk to the joint is always a calming experience. Inhaling the aroma of brewing coffee whenever stepping in. Frapp for the win.

Lunch time. Hustling bustling crowd. Joining the queues. "1 please, packet yes." Need fruits. Damn fiber.

3pm lull. Need a break. Log onto blog. Hence you're reading this. Hah!

Emails waiting to be answered, reports to be vetted / approved. Sigh.

Sms from friend. Dinner? Nah. Lunch? Maybe.

Sms the boyfriend. Meeting up? Maybe. Haven't had sex in months. Sigh.

Courier delivery. Client sent basket of wines and cheese. Wow. Yum. *burp*

Elusive client. Don't ya scream at me when deadline is missed bitch.

MSN beep. Some random gossip / cry for help / bitching session.

MIght have to work overtime but WoW raiding beckons. Looks like dinner is eat in.

Miss Ah Boy.

Faded Glories

The thought hit me over the weekend as I was out in Orchard, having my haircut, doing some light shopping, gaming etc.

This month would see me hitting 28. Twenty fucking eight. 11 years ago when I first dated seriously, my bf then was 28 and all his friends were teasing him for being a "cradle snatcher". Today should I date someone below 20, I'm sure I'd be termed the same.

Not that I want to. Have had enough of bottom "geenas". *shudder*

Anyway, I digress. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning prior to stepping out for work. In a fit of pique at the salon, I told my stylist to crop off everything. The last time I did this was 2002, right smack on my birthday when I had shorn off my shoulder length blonde hair. *wince*

THe effect back then was startling. My face was constantly behind a veiled of expensively maintained locks. For 2 1/2 years I hid my face from myself in a whirl of club lights, on & off stage drama and sex. Facing myself, I was gaunt from overwork as a starving dancer, I was deeply tanned and I was constantly bitchy, nasty and cold. As I looked myself in the eye seated on that barber's chair, I didn't like what I saw.

Today 5 years later, I'm alot older. Overweight and tired. I've been through really shit times in the past 2 years odd, but I've also experienced exquisite happiness. Growing up in recent times saw alot of tears, frustration, despair and fear.

Looking ahead, the immediate future is fraught with worry. Looking around me, my close friends are beset with their own problems and tribulations in life. We're all getting older and wiser. But sometimes life throws you a curveball and you fumble trying to cath it and be back in control.

Look at yourself in the mirror. 5 years from now what do you hope to see in that same but yet changed reflection?

Bummed Out

Feeling totally crapped cos' my PR campaign ideas for an upcoming pitch, was shot to pieces by my boss.

He said they were good ideas, but I had overlooked / forgotten / ignored the overall campaign (Advertising + Media Buy) direction. Mine was totally off on a tangent.

Rather crushing to sit in the meeting and hear my ideas kena shot down. Not to mention embarassing, mortifying.

"You're a manager, I don't expect to hold your hand and tell you what to do. But when you tell me what you want to do, you better be sure it's backed up soundly."

My team's having low morale now. Gotta cheer them up, but not much I can do considering the pitch is in 4 hours time.

Sigh.

Meandering Thoughts

As I'm typing this, my eyes are constantly drawn to a pretty stunning view of Chinatown area from my new office. Despite the rather cramped nature of my workspace, I'm simply delighting in the exuberant creative atmoshphere in my new surroundings.

No more angsty stuffy bitchy lesbians. No more dull-as-yesterday's-milk colleagues who think that mall decorations are so "happening". No more loud ah bengs haggling over the pricing of plywood structures or cheesily blaring tacky polyphonic ringtones from similarly garishly decked out handphones.

Yesterday I saw soemone in the office sporting a Harry Winston for gawd's sake! I've never been so conscious of what I wear to work before in my life hahaha...

In a rather ironic twist, my window looking out from this rather chic steel & glass building overlooks my former tacky office at People's Park Centre. Ha!

Anyway, I'm a little behind the news. I just found out that Albus Dumbledore is gay and I just stumbled across Thio Li Ann's rather passionate speech in Parliament. Good stuff. And here I was just happy that we downed Leotheras last week. (WoW reference, doesn't matter if you don't get it. I'm such a geek)

I gotta say, for all that the Alex Au and Stuart Koe tribe wanna hurl anti-homo labels at Prof. Thio, the woman has some rather compelling points. A huge positive-PR spin was done on her by ST today.

I gotta say, our SPH seems determined to paint her as a lone champion of moral rights, rather Joan of Arc-ish like, while the activitists' camp is looking rather shabby in the public eye. Alfian's email telling her to Eff-off & wanting to pee on her grave didn't help much. Stupid queen. Lol. Stick to writing plays lah.

I do wanna ask all the pro-gay activists out there though, now that the dust has settled and the battle lines are looking faded and rather out of place in the wake of the Govt going "No ass fucking for you", what's next?

It's all nice and cheery to hear cliche lines like "We've raised awareness" or "At least we get to discourse" or even lamer "we're grateful & amazed at the level of support", so what? The law hasn't changed. For all the emotional chest beating and drama, what has changed for the average gay guy in Singapore that wasn't different 6 months ago, or hell, 1 year ago?

I'm just glad I didn't bother to attend some silly rally a friend invited me to. I wouldn't have completed my tier 4 that night then hahaha...