Another Year Older, This Time A Lot Sadder

I was reminded of the date when my staff knocked on my door with a cake at midnight. I was rather touched that they knew, remembered and cared. Spent the first 6 hours after still in the office, got home at 7am, woke up at 9. Phone was full of well-wishes.

It rang as I sat at my desk checking my mail. The family at LA misses me, I yearn for their presence like a deep knell in my heart. Struggling not cry to as I joked with them over the phone, the voice I longed for most could not, would never come to the phone again. Ringing off, I sat numb at my desk with tears in my eyes and a deep aching inside.

Boss called to say best wishes, am I headed in for the meetings, press interviews and event later? Today will be more of that I guess, well-wishing, best tidings. It's not fair to unload, that it is anything but happy, joyous or celebrative for me. But the front has to be put up, the show has to go on.

I regret not having spent the last one with her, should have just gone out for that dinner. I regret not giving her the utmost priority when I should have, now all the power and money in the world would never do that. Work achievements sound hollow now, I work nonstop to drown out the loneliness in my heart instead.

I miss you Mum. I miss what your presence in my life meant, your silent support in no matter what I did, how I did. I miss knowing that no matter how badly I failed or disappointed, your love for me never wavered and I was always your son no matter what. I miss being able to share with you as I discover more in life and basking in your pride when I did do well. I miss the unconditional love and refuge you had for me at home no matter where I travelled or the tribulations in life I meet.

I hope you know right now, that no matter where or what you are still watching over me. I hope I am making you proud and I will always strive to do so. You never gave up on me and I will never do that to myself ever.

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to us. It was the day you gave me life. Without you I could not have been.