Regret

At the risk of sounding emo, I will confess to something.

I broke down and cried in the shower today.

Exhaustion from 4 days out in the f**king field, haven't eaten all day today due to the craziness of out process, frustration from things on the work front, the pain of seeing my mum go through cancer & chemo treatments, the simple happiness of seeing my Ah Boy again, the solitude of being by one's self.. everything just broke through and I cried.

The past few weeks have been tumultous. I've experienced rage, disappointment and regret both in my personal life and at work. I felt achievement for my efforts during reservist, but prior to that I nearly screamed in sheer frustration while pushing myself to my physical & mental limits. I was proud over the change in me from what I was 2 years ago, I felt ashamed for my lack of progress (regress even) in other areas.

The shock of feeling the exquisite pain (of loss?) when confronted by my ex's flat when dropping off a campmate was not something I was prepared for. He committed suicide a couple of years ago and it was surreal walking up the stairs to his flat. Don't ask me what drew me there but facing that empty well of loss at my feet, I felt regret. I went home laden with heavy thoughts and feelings. Once again I asked myself what I could have done and that blank wall of non-answers was as solid as ever.

I feel like I'm desperately grasping for resolve & strength to push on, with anything but it's so tempting to just bow down, give up and just not be.

This is not a cry for help, but then again, if I needed to, would I know how?