Humour Cos' I'm Bored

Me : hey babe, you busy flying a plane to hunt for this JI feller?

(note : he is in the airforce)

Him (without a trace of humour) : Huh, no lah. Logistically not realistic also.

Me : Oh, ok, helicopters then?

Him : No.

Me : Unmanned aircraft?

Him : No, nearby housing area not very...

Me (cutting him off) : Carrier pigeons?

Him : HAR??

Me (deadpan) : Paper aeroplane?

Him : ...

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Yeah, I can be a bully. :P

Anyway, more laughs!

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An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into
her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."


=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =====


A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road
and pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he
eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights
flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some
more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/h to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and
pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th." If you can give me a
good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a
Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back".

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"


=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =====


A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most
beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart
escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a
sales person didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her.

"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened,
she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted
just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price!