Another Year Older, This Time A Lot Sadder

I was reminded of the date when my staff knocked on my door with a cake at midnight. I was rather touched that they knew, remembered and cared. Spent the first 6 hours after still in the office, got home at 7am, woke up at 9. Phone was full of well-wishes.

It rang as I sat at my desk checking my mail. The family at LA misses me, I yearn for their presence like a deep knell in my heart. Struggling not cry to as I joked with them over the phone, the voice I longed for most could not, would never come to the phone again. Ringing off, I sat numb at my desk with tears in my eyes and a deep aching inside.

Boss called to say best wishes, am I headed in for the meetings, press interviews and event later? Today will be more of that I guess, well-wishing, best tidings. It's not fair to unload, that it is anything but happy, joyous or celebrative for me. But the front has to be put up, the show has to go on.

I regret not having spent the last one with her, should have just gone out for that dinner. I regret not giving her the utmost priority when I should have, now all the power and money in the world would never do that. Work achievements sound hollow now, I work nonstop to drown out the loneliness in my heart instead.

I miss you Mum. I miss what your presence in my life meant, your silent support in no matter what I did, how I did. I miss knowing that no matter how badly I failed or disappointed, your love for me never wavered and I was always your son no matter what. I miss being able to share with you as I discover more in life and basking in your pride when I did do well. I miss the unconditional love and refuge you had for me at home no matter where I travelled or the tribulations in life I meet.

I hope you know right now, that no matter where or what you are still watching over me. I hope I am making you proud and I will always strive to do so. You never gave up on me and I will never do that to myself ever.

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to us. It was the day you gave me life. Without you I could not have been.

Biting Off More Than I Can Chew

Good news or bad news? For me, I always go for the bad first. I vaguely recall reading somewhere about what it says about one's personality but for the life of me I can't recall what now.

Anyway...

This month is going to be extremely frustrating what with the over-abundance of public holidays (never thought I'd hear myself bitching about THAT!) and its consequential dearth of working days. My job has evolved to so much more than its original job scope ; last night I bitchily commented that I wanted a total job title revamp. And to my surprise, my boss readily agreed. Well let's see 2 months from now...

Everyone's going off for their holidays - I had to cancel my LA trip. Ah what the hell. But I think I'm gonna miss my family for real, for once this Christmas, especially since everyone's gonna be there while I'm stuck here. 99.5% chance I'm gonna be spending it at work with my dorky staff.

I typed an entire long rant but reading it over, I laughed and deleted the whole chunk. Truth is, I'm having hella time with my work. Yes I get home at 7am in the mornings (This whole week!) and sleep at 9, only to wake up at noon and work a couple of hours from home before heading into the office again around 3-4pm. But I find myself strangely invigorated.

Yesterday while sorting my flood of emails (the best friend is gonna laugh when he sees my sorted folders...) I came across one of those mass-CC-fyi emails, in which the totally anal-retentive control freak of director from SAFRA wrote "Just follow up with Nic and he'll tell you how to handle it". I could have taken it as yet another "arrow" but stopping for a minute, I rather take it as a measure of how much the woman is depending on me. Yay for me.

Ok enough of all that. I will manage, I will overcome, I will succeed. And the good news? I've gone down from 90kg (Yes huney I was there) to 83kg currently in the span of 3 weeks. I fucking kid you not.

All About The Brokeback

Ok fine, I'm damn slow but I finally caught Brokeback Mountain on dvd, having ordered it in an insane moment on Amazon.com.

It was everything I expected (and feared) it would be when I chose not to watch it back in 2005. it was long, it had (overly) long sweeping scenery moments (damn you Ang Lee) and it made me have to reach for at least 5 Magnums before I finally finished the movie in one sitting. That and alot of restless moving to and fro for any slightest excuse, including checking my emails, calling a random Chinese restaurant for delivery (in vain) and watching movie clips on my iPod while trying not to fall asleep.

Critically acclaimed? It does prove to me that the media has its pet projects (like we don't all know that) and for what's it worth, it'sa good movie but it could have been alot better. Unless the movie was filmed on the assumption that the viewer would also be a reader of Annie Proulx's works.

In which case, load up on the silent innuendoes and artistic sweeping shots and whatever else that might / might not be occurring, leave it at the feet of "how different readers take the story is a reflection of their own personal values, attitudes, hang-ups" for your own intepretations of what's (boringly) going on.

There were at times I found myself wishing desperately for a serial killer or something to wander onto the film set and start murdering people, just to pick the pace up a little.

Why? Because as romantic as the notion of the love depicted within might seem / sound, it just doesn't apply to today's Youtube generations' of "no holds barred, responsibilities, traditions and discretions be damned".

And you can take that anyway you want to infer from me. :P

Holy Crap...

Taken from the Straits Times

A MOTORCYCLIST suffered serious head injuries after his bike hit the rear of a car, which in turn, collided into two other vehicles on the Central Expressway (CTE) on Monday.

The chain collision happened on the CTE towards the Ayer Rajah Expressway, just before the Braddell Road exit, at 10.35 am.

The 61-year-old motorcyclist was rushed to Tan Tock Seng Hospital, where he died at 12.55 pm.

- END -

Now, before I really freak out...

My cab was there like, FIVE minutes before ok?! Cos' I reach the office at 10:45am today...

Loss

Today was one hell of an exhausted day for me.

I had barely dozed off from watching an episode of Lost I had just bought on dvd, when my brother shook me awake.

"Mama just passed away," he sighed, referring to my grandmother, "Dad wants us to handle the details for Mum."

My mum had never been really close to my grandmother, hence I understood what he meant immediately. I got up and changed, gave the little furkid a hug and his walk and feed before rushing through the rest of the funeral preparations. I managed to catch my dad and had a few words before I left the house and drove down to hospital with my brother.

As expected (and much the subject for sniggering conversations) my extended family started streaming in with varied histrionics. The wake is to be held at my place and barely into the first hour I was already groaning from the constant stream of visitors.

After a harried dinner, I had my elder cousin take over for a while and headed up to take a shower and just escape from all the noise. Just before I stepped into the inviting wall of steam and water, I heard voices down the hallway. Grinning, I slipped into my shorts and walked over to my parent's bedroom.

As usual, my parents were arguing over some nitty gritty detail that my father had cocked up and had my mum riled. I went over and gave my mum a hug as they stood before the apple-white closets they had put in before the Chinese New Year.

"You ok?" I asked with an eyebrow cocked. She sighed and let herself be hugged by me. She told me that she was turning in and handle the visitors early tomorrow.

Watching her settle into bed, I went and sat beside her. She fussed with the bed covers and sank back into the pillows with a satisfied sigh.

"How was work today? Did you inform your boss of Mama's death?" my mum opened the conversation with as usual, a query into how my life was at my new job.

"Yeah it was fine. I got time off easily, it's the first time I ever had to apply for leave under such circumstances."

"You better cherish this job. If you need to go off over the next few days just go, your brother is on holidays and can be here to accompany me if I need any errands to be done. And you, better treasure me now, life is so short. My time isn't far off especially now that Mama is the first to go." Her smile took the edge of the warning in her words. But I know what she meant.

I assured her that I had things well in hand, then something struck me and I leaned forward and ghugged her again. Her hand patted my hair.

"Mum, you know I can't function if you were to go, " I said seriously, "You know the first thing Dad said to me? It was damn weird.

He said 'now that your mum is gone, I don't know how we will go on.' Odd right? Why would he say that? Mama left, not you."

There was a silent pause. I guess she must be working out why my dad said what he did. I snuggled deeper into my mum's arms. Her familiar scent, that aroma that meant I was home, safe from the world's worries and cares, permeated the room.

I never hugged my mum enough. My grandmother's passing away reminded me of the mortality of those around us, that we should not take our loved ones for granted.

My mum gave a sigh and patted my head in that loving gesture I had always known as a kid. "Boy, there is something you must know."

Dread filled me, yes there is something I was supposed to know. I thought over my dad's words in the morning. I know what it meant, but in the rush of activities preparing for...

It hit me. The loss. The truth of the past fortnight. My eyes widened in horror and my arms held my mum tighter. No, this was not right. I am not prepared. My mum was here, next to me. My eyes caught sight of the calendar on the bedside table.

But reality was reality. I felt my mum's hand rest on the nape of my neck in a reassuring manner. She wanted me to accept the facts. I am an adult now. But I didn't want to remember May 30th. I started to sob and shut my eyes to prolong seeing the truth.

I embraced my mum and felt her comforting warmth for the last time. "I love you Mum." I whispered raggedly.

I opened my eyes and the stark emptiness of my bedroom greeted me with its chilly silence. In that infinite moment between seconds, I tried to deny one last futile time, the truth.

Sitting up, I felt the loss of my mum two weeks ago all over again.

Clutching the cold sheets around me, I wept.

No Love Like A Mother's

On 30th May 2008, at approximately 1839 hours, my mum left this world for a better place.

Though I have mentioned on and off to friends about my mum's battle with cancer, only an exclusive few truly knew the depths of pain and suffering that my mum went through.

Over the past couple of weeks, it was numerous trips to the hospital and late night vigils for me as I watched my mum slowly slip away.

Finally with a peaceful heart and mind my mum left in her sleep. I couldn't have asked for a better way to leave and for that, I am truly thankful to God.

Over the past weekend, I was also touched that at that lowest point in my life, the people I expected least to turn up, did and demonstrated unasked for friendship, support and encouragement.

To my NS buddies who showed, despite the fact that we went to separate units after ORD, our bonds spent outfield was enough for you to be there. I thank you all.

To my friend in Cambodia, you know who you are. For the words of encouragement and prayers, I thank you.

To my paternal uncles, aunties and cousins, your silent support, handling of thankless duties like clearing the rubbish and dirty cutlery, getting food and drinks for guests etc. and constantly watching that my family does not keel over from exhaustion and grief, I thank you.

To my aunts and cousins who were there for my mum and my family throughout the months of pain, I truly begin to understand the depths of unconditional familial bonds. I thank you.

To "long lost" friends like Alex, Adrian (Pigeon) and Millicent, my silence over the years was not a factor for you guys not turning up and your presence was a comfort. I truly appreciate it. I thank you.

To my exes, love shared wasn't love lost. Thanks for remembering my mum. I thank you.

To my other. You know the bonds that tie us together. Thanks for being there.

To my best friend, no one knows as well as you do how much my mum really means to me, as does yours to you. Through thick and thin, the joys and sorrows, the achievements and the failures, to have you there during my greatest loss is a comfort beyond compare. Thank you doesn't begin to cover it. But I thank you nonetheless.

To the countless SMSes, phone calls, MSN messages and even emails, thank you for bothering to see if I am okay, for caring despite the years of non contact.

My mum led her life with simple dignity and great personal strength. It's that legacy I hope to carry on with my life.

Deadlines

So it came to be that I have 3 major deadlines this week, falling nicely on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday respectively.

These deadlines are major not because I usually don't have any, but the presentations determine my scope of work for these 3 separate accounts for the rest of the year till Mar/ April 2009.

Delivering a brand campaign strategy is not something one pulls out of his ass everyday, needless to say three at one shot. (3 guys at one shot though.. hmmm.. post stress celebration? Hahahah..)

I had a major mental block, partly due to the fact that I had 2 other smaller accounts for whom I had to dedicate my creative juices to as well. Being in the position where I am, it was pretty much expected that I lead and drive the creative processes. Most nights I went home feeling frustrated and returning to work with a heavy sense of dread.

For many days I sat at my desk a work, staring at emails clamouring for my attention and leadership. I gave non-commital answers, missed internal deadlines and basically was being the jerk-ass colleague everyone hates. I was working without direction, was incredibly sulky and just not responsive. The lack of support, emotionally, creatively, whatever-ly, was just not there and I was on the verge of blowing my brains out just to lessen the headache.

Maybe I work best when the deadline is IN MY FACE. Monday night I was hit by a sudden rush of inspiration with regards to my 3 campaigns and I sent out a flurry of emails laden with instructions and directions. I activated the various teams under my lead and sent everyone scurrying for research, background information, current situations, I created templates and workflow sheets. I dictated ideas and processes. I made firm decisions and more importantly, without knowing it, I was delegating my ass off and demanded answers, results and end-products.

I was bouncing off the walls with my burst of adrenaline and in my impatient haste to get the finished results of the orders I sent out, I even rearranged the position of my table in a better orientation within my corner of the office. Within 15 minutes I had a new desk direction and I was settled in sending out replies to emails that came in while I was offline (for 15 bloody minutes!).

"Hey wait", you might say, "Wasn't your first deadline today?". Yes it was and I delivered it with a fresh sense of confidence. The clients took in my proposal, they asked questions, I snapped my fingers and I had the relevant research in my hands. They were happy with the answers I had for them coupled with the assurance that their brand campaign will achieve results beyond their projected goals. It was only later when the client offered to buy my team lunch that I found out, their own HQ called in with news that they were delighted with the initial brand launch I conducted in January and was told to go along with whatever I am going to propose.

I can't express my sense of overwhelmed delight at hearing that. The principal who had given his blessings is no less than a CEO of an international luxury watch brand and it was both gratifying and humbling. Gee I guess he DID read the reports we send over then.

It was also during lunch that the second realisation hit me, alot of it was due to my delegation. I've always worked within very tight work-teams and most of the time, I'm used to running a one-man show. Saddled with multiple teams of people to manage, I had not given much thought to making sure MY work-load is evenly shared out and instead, I ended up biting off more than I can chew.

So I walk away from this a slightly different person than I was last week. I fully understand and grasp the silly folly I made when presented with the challenges and I'm going to make sure I loosen my anal grasp on things in future.

Gotta go now, have got 10 other things to dictate. :P

Singapore Police Force At Its Stupidest

f you are living in Singapore, you would have to be in another dimension if you haven't heard by now the notorious escape of Mas Selamat Kastari, a terrorist who planned to hijack and suicide pilot an airliner into Changi Airport in 2001.

What's laughable about the entire affair is the gargantuan host of mistakes the SPF and it's "boss", the Ministry of Home Affairs made and are continuing to make ever since the local Houdini made his escape.

Here's a chuckle I came across online and shared with a whole bevy of my friends and colleagues. Even as I type this now I hear laughter from various corners of the office.

Simply put, we know this feller is a Houdini as he not only escaped from our very own Whitley Centre but a couple of other prison institutions as well. He must be damn cunning, probably cunning enough to assume a new identity already! Here are some of the possible personas he may decide to adopt.

How many can YOU spot? :P (Picture courtesy of TalkingCock.com )

Humour Cos' I'm Bored

Me : hey babe, you busy flying a plane to hunt for this JI feller?

(note : he is in the airforce)

Him (without a trace of humour) : Huh, no lah. Logistically not realistic also.

Me : Oh, ok, helicopters then?

Him : No.

Me : Unmanned aircraft?

Him : No, nearby housing area not very...

Me (cutting him off) : Carrier pigeons?

Him : HAR??

Me (deadpan) : Paper aeroplane?

Him : ...

---------------------------------------------

Yeah, I can be a bully. :P

Anyway, more laughs!

---------------------------------------------

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into
her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."


=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =====


A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road
and pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he
eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights
flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some
more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/h to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and
pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th." If you can give me a
good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a
Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back".

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"


=========== ========= ========= ========= ========= =====


A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most
beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart
escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a
sales person didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her.

"Good day, Madame, how may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened,
she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted
just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price!

Oh.My.Gawd

If there is any indication of how much of a failure our Singapore education system is, one of it has to be a conversation I just had with a client during a meeting.

Her : "I'm not sure if our selection of The Star (the leading English newspaper in Malaysia) is appropriate for the campaign. Would Sin Chew (The leading cheena paper) have a better reach?"

Me : "Well, the circulation is quite close, but you have to consider your target audience. Since your brand is looking to hit the English-speaking market, The Star would be a better choice, because you don't just restrict yourself to reaching out to the Chinese market only. There are the English-educated Malays and Indians you can target as well."

Her : "Oh I see... but majority of the population in Malaysia is Chinese right?"

Me : "Er... no?"

Oh My Fucking God. How on fucking earth can anyone think the majority race in MALAYSIA is ...

I was speechless for like 10 seconds and my colleague had to cover for me.

Seriously. WTF

Fuck I Hate Lazy Mondays...

My organiser has revealed something totally rare for the day dated 25th February 2008. Somehow I didn't fix a meeting for this day at all. Nada. Kosong. Zero. I'm so happy and yet.. I'm bored...

Hahahaha...

My rundown of what I have done since 9am today.

9am - Lazily plugged in my laptop, went to get a mug of coffee, chatted about the weekend ("yeah I didn't do anything.. you too huh?").

9.27am - Today's stack of papers was plonked on my side table. I lazily plucked the ones I usually read (ST, IHT, BT, TODAY) and the ones I read when I'm damn bored and I want to laugh at the articles (TNP, mypaper).

10.13am - I'm done reading the papers. Made a couple of catty comments over the top of the papers in my hands and colleagues laughed dutifully. I decide to go for breakfast, diet be damned.

10.17am - I order my fishball noodles with extra fishballs. Spotted a cute blonde-haired beng sitting at the coffeeshop opposite. Gazed wistfully for a while with random thoughts like "do the curtains match the drapes?" kind.

10.34am - I walk to the UOB bank behind my office and did some personal banking. It ain't as interesting as it sounds. Cute security guard though.

10.51am - I am back in the office and I lazily call up CNN.com, BBC and People.com. I glance through some new emails and decide to KIV the lot of them. *Yawn*

11.20am - I decide to blast my latest mp3 download, Stuff Like That There by Bette Midler through my iPod wired to my PC speakers. Am so happy ever since I discovered mp3 shopping online. *Note : Should return speakers since I don't have PC anymore. Shall try the L'Oreal line on the cute IT guy.

11.23am - My mp3 finished. I give putting it on replay some serious thought.

11.24am - I decide to replay my mp3, along with my "Best of Broadway" playlist. I also decide to reply to a random work email for the heck of it.

12.01pm - I just finished clearing 7 emails that called for attention. Something about a diva-induced adrenaline rush I guess. I decide to pop downstairs to buy a glass of iced lychee to celebrate.

12.20pm - I log back to CNN.com to check the Oscar winners. Tilda Swinton won. Yay. Can't care less about the rest. Am surprised Edison Chen didn't win Best Unwilling Documentary. Read more about the disappointing Clinton slump in the polls. WTF is wrong with Americans huh?

12.40pm - I chatted with a client over the phone. Mostly alot of personal nonsense. We really clicked during our $2.5k Japanese lunch last week.

1.00pm - My colleagues are going for lunch. I decline their invitation to head downstairs and take the opportunity to indulge in some SPBIO (Secret Personal Behaviour In Office). What it is? If I tell it won't BE secret right?! Duh..

1.15pm - I log back to People.com and graciously invite their offer to vote on Celeb Hit or Miss's latest. I enjoyed voting "Miss!" on all of Fergie's and Kate Holmes' fashion disasters. I'm a harsher critic than most, hell I even panned Nicole Kidman! But at least I didn't score a dud at all when I voted for fabo Hits. My gay sense never fails me...

1.37pm - I call up the entire Dreamgirls OST on my playlist and log onto Amazon.com to check if I can order the latest DVD box sets. All not out yet. Bloody hell.

2.00pm - I blog this trashy entry.

Windows of Opportunities

Amidst the busy bustle of ensuring that plans for my new account's media launch run smoothly, a phone call came through on my handphone.

It was basically a job offer for the position of marketing manager for a chain of nightlife joints here. I was midly bemused and asked where they'd gotten my contacts before and I was told that I was referred via an agency.

Which begs the question of course, don't such agencies contact you themselves so as to control the process of hiring and in the end, earn the commission?

Anyway, I was rushing for a meeting and despite my repeated tellings that I just settled into a new job, the HR Director (who was on the other end of the line) refused to take "no" for an answer. She kept insisting that it's be a "casual chat". Ok FIIIINE. I guess respect has to be afforded given her sincerity. I made an appointment for 4pm this coming Thursday and walked into my meeting 2 mins late.

Today during my first minutes of work I was mildly irritated by my senior manager. She means well but sometimes I feel she gets too bogged down in the nitty gritty and this morning was one of those examples.

Frankly I hate things like paperwork. Once a contract / quotation is signed I move on and leave the filing etc. to well, administrative colleagues lah! But here in my current job I have to share an executive with my senior manager and the poor thing has barely time to breathe for all the work she has to do, much less keep up with the paperwork.

It's not a big deal but things like that make me irritated because they crop up as an obstacle that stands in the way of my momentum of work. While she (my senior manager) droned on and on about which coloured copy of the contract goes into which file and which has to be submitted to whichever department and make sure I make a photocopy for filing under YET another system, I found myself tuning out for a moment and caught myself thinking "I wonder if that new job would be the same..."

(Speaking of insane filing and file naming system, my shared server is a thing to marvel at. At times I feel daunted trying to save a document for fear of breaching a naming convention or placing it in the wrong destination. I once counted pulling out a file 12 levels deep from the main folder. )

Anyway, it's bad I know but I really shouldn't be thinking about changing jobs at this juncture.

But I have to admit, throughout my day at work and on my way home, my mind drifted to the possibilities should I attend the interview and procure the job offered.

At this point I can pinpoint alot more "cons" as opposed to "pros" when weighing up the options. But I confess that the possibilities of a new position, a new product, a new working environment and a new industry excites me.

Overall I feel it is a bad character trait and a flaw in me. I detest the mundane, I despise routine for being routine just for the sake of it. That is one reason why I have always worked in the "vendor" or "contractor" role of a given industry, namely because I get to work with multiple accounts and variables are always changing.

So I mentally told myself, "be sensible, settle down and give this job a chance". I'll probably forgo the interview this Thursday. But my mind WILL drift from time to time (especially when the droning begins) to thinking "what if...."